Trouble at the Bagel Place
Do you feel that tingle in the air? It’s because today is my 10 year anniversary of writing for The Daily Show. It was an exciting day (mainly for me.) Things were made more interesting by the fact that it was during John Oliver’s stint as guest host. Though transient, he was a very supportive and encouraging boss. I wonder whatever happened to him.
Anyway, onto our top story:
Yesterday I was at a bagel place in Westchester. My salivary glands were working overtime as I asked for “a toasted raisin bagel with butter, please.”
Two minutes later, I hear an order called out from the pickup counter: “toasted rainbow bagel with butter.”
“That’s interesting,” I thought. “That’s very similar to my order, except instead of a raisin bagel, it’s a rainbow bagel.”
I look around to find the eccentric, Willy Wonka-esque individual who placed this colorful order. Nobody was in the shop except for me.
Uh oh, I thought. Looks like someone’s about to eat a rainbow bagel for breakfast.
Then I had 2 more thoughts.
“A rainbow bagel. Gross.”
“There’s 5 different colors of dye on this bagel. What are the odds that one of them ISN’T toxic?!” (Oddly: a thought I never had while eating M&Ms or Skittles.)
I guess I could have corrected them and said, “Hey you Westchester idiot. I didn’t ask for a rainbow bagel.” But honestly, it’s July and I was too hot to assert myself. (Also I’m a beta male.)
Here’s the thing, I don’t like bothering service industry people. They have to deal with a lot of angry unpleasant customers, especially my mother. Mom doesn’t hold back when she feels like she’s receiving subpar service. She’s been rude to so many waiters I’m convinced that her body is 40% waitstaff spit.
Also, nothing about my vibe says “I want a colorful bagel.” I’m not Nicki Minaj. I’m Matt Koff. Everyone’s favorite monotone and monochromatic New York comic. I’m a human chalkboard eraser. If anything, they should have given me a zebra-print bagel.
With nothing left to do, I took a bite of the bagel. I was horrified. It tasted exactly like a plain bagel. When you eat something rainbow-colored, you’re conditioned to expect a fruity zesty flavor. But this was just a regular old bagel that looked like it had had a little too much fun at the state fair. This wasn’t a rainbow bagel. This was a plainbow bagel.
To be honest, the bagel didn’t even look appealing either. It wasn’t even a good paint job. It almost looked like the colors had leaked onto the bagel by accident. Like someone had left it in a wet ball pit.
I wanted to throw it in the trash, but I didn’t like the optics of tossing a rainbow bagel this soon after Pride Month. And with everything going on in the Supreme Court? No siree.
Anyway, the bagel is still in my glove compartment. If anyone wants it, sound off in the comments.
Again, it’s hot in New York, so please cool yourself down with this picture of my cat looking like an ice cream sandwich.