This Land Is My Land

“Imagination governs the world.

Hey, would you mind grabbing those pickles off the top shelf for me?

I’m really short.”

― Napoleon Bonaparte

Lately I’ve been playing a game with myself. It’s called “What Would I Do With My Land If I Completely Lost My Mind?”

It all started when I was going for a walk. I opened a Kind bar. Through force of habit, I stuffed the wrapper in my pocket.

Then I was like, wait a minute. This is my land. If I wanna toss this sticky piece of plastic on the ground, I am well within my legal rights (I imagine. Not a legal scholar!)

Then I started to think, what if I somehow went insane and just covered my entire property with trash? Layer upon smelly, stinking layer of Kind wrappers, used Q-tips, and Dunkin’ cups.

Hell, I could build the world’s first skyscraper made of garbage —One World Trash Center, The Crapsler Building, call it what you will— only two hours north of New York City. Sorry NYC, I thought of it first!

Once it dawned on me that there’s almost nothing I can’t do with my property, I just couldn’t stop thinking of ideas…

I could build a Clown Castle. NO, it’s not some weird pedophilia thing. Just a place for clowns to meet up, run clown gags by each other, and discuss the biz.

Erect the world’s biggest Diana Ross statue. Guys, let’s face it, the woman was a legend. Also, before I get a bunch of angry comments, I do NOT have the space to build statues of ALL the Supremes. Especially if I’ve already got a ten-ton Diana Ross statue. Let’s use our heads, people!

Install the world’s first Listerine Waterfall. Imagine sipping from a stream and killing your gingivitis, all at once. You’ve heard of Garden of Eden, but now we’re Garglin’ IN Eden. Move over Fountain of Youth, here comes Fountain of TOOTH (health.)

Build a clock-tower whose bells would chime “It’s Raining Men”, but only the first three notes, so nobody would ever be able to identify it. It’d drive the neighbors nuts!

Build a Sunglasses Hut - “But Matt,” you may be thinking, “you’re not a licensed Sunglass Hut retailer.” No, you patent-concerned idiot. Not Sunglass Hut. A SunglassES Hut. A hut built entirely out of sunglasses. Which would eventually expand into a retail chain throughout North America. Would that be a copyright infringement? Hey, let’s leave that up to the Supreme Court!

Start a reverse zoo. That’s right, a reverse zoo, where people are captive, and the ANIMALS are the visitors! Still figuring out the logistics on this one.

Donate the land to the Church of Scientology. Yes, many people have donated everything they have to the Church of Scientology, but I’d be the first one to do it who isn’t a Scientologist. Imagine how confused L. Ron Hubbard’s ghost would be.

Start a laundromat. I guess this one isn’t that crazy. But what a great source of passive income!

Start the world’s first Cat-Allergy-Friendly Cat Cafe. Finally, a cat cafe for the rest of us. What’s our secret? No cats! In fact, if you even say the word cat you’ll be asked to leave. Can’t take any chances!

Build a miniature version of the World. If it’s good enough for Japan, it’s good enough for Upstate New York.


There’s a lot of antique stores in upstate New York. You’ll find a new discovery here every week!

This week’s antique is……..

A bottle opener shaped like an alcoholic??? Very meta!