My Crunchy Spine
If you’re like me, you wake up at 3am in a cold sweat wondering: “What is Matt Koff doing with his life?
Well, let me tell you!
This Thursday May 15th, I’m co-hosting a show with my very funny pal Dina Hashem. It’s called “WE FIX U: Stand-up Comedy and Unlicensed Therapy.” It’s Union Hall in Brooklyn.
The show will feature sets from three of our favorite comics: Liza Treyger, Mike Recine, and Emmy Blotnick.
Between acts, Dina and I will be offering free therapy mini-sessions to participating audience members. (However, we will have QR codes if you feel like Venmo-ing us.) Are we formally trained? Of course not. Since when do artists need training? So think of what’s ailing you and don’t forget to get a ticket.
And speaking of big shows, mark your calendars! I am taping my first ever special on Tuesday, September 30th at the Comedy Cellar’s Village Underground. Ticket will go onsale two months out.
“But what’s going on with Matt… medically?”
As far as I can tell, the process of growing old is one of slowly losing moisture until you crumble and turn to sand.
I bent over the other day and felt a pain near my butt. Obviously my first thought was, “Oh no, my Free Luigi tattoo is infected.”
I got an MRI and my doctor explained that as you age, you lose spinal fluid, causing your vertebrae to dry up and become more brittle, increasing your risk of injury.
That’s right, folks. Like the Great Salt Lake, your boy Matty K is drying up. I’ve got a ticket to Raisintown and I’m afraid it’s one-way.
Learning about my fluid loss made me sad, because if I had known about this fluid in the first place, I would have shown it off more. Bragged, even. In college I would have said, “Hey ladies, check out my moist, juicy spine. Swish swish! Swish swish!”
If you’re young, please savor your succulent bones before they evaporate. We’re born with Capri-Suns in our backs, and we don’t even know it.