If You’re Reading This, You’re More Than Halfway Through Dry January
Good on ya
Like many of you, I’m doing Dry or “Sober” January.
It’s been great. I’ve been writing more, working out, and I’ve even started taking piano lessons. OK, none of that last sentence is true. It sure did feel good to write, though.
No, my temporary sobriety has me sitting on the couch, playing Sudoku, and wishing bird flu would take me now.
(To be clear, I’ve never had a suicidal thought, but I do think that if Death came for me, I wouldn’t put up much of a fight. “You’re saying I don’t have to floss anymore? Let’s roll.”)
I sort of thought doing Dry January would spur me into a healthier lifestyle. Instead, I’ve just been doing other unhealthy things to compensate, like eating poorly, spending more time on social media, and generally writhing in my own misery.
To distract myself, I watched the latest season of the Great British Baking Show. My favorite part of every episode is when the judges lay out what they’re looking for, and it’s just different versions of the same sentence over and over again:
PAUL: ”We’re looking for a really delicious cake.”
PRUE: ”What we want is a cake with tons of flavor.”
PAUL: ”This cake has to taste amazing.”
PRUE: ”We want something absolutely scrumptious.”
PAUL: ”This cake has got to be good.”
PRUE: “We want the kind of cake where you eat it and you go, ‘now that’s a good cake.’”
Anyway, here are some thoughts that keep coming up during Dry January:
Why am I doing this?
Seriously, why? I started this thing to prove to myself that I’m not addicted, and now, almost 3 miserable weeks in, I’m more convinced than ever that I am indeed an addict. The worst part is I couldn’t even come to that realization drunk.
How do people do this year round?
Some people never drink at all. I fear them.
Why do I keep getting shocked by doorknobs?
This month I’ve been getting static shocked almost every time I touch a doorknob. Not sure if this is an uptick, or if it happens year round and I’m usually just too schwasted to notice.
Stop complaining: there’s real suffering going on the world.
I’m going to disagree with myself here. All suffering is real suffering if you don’t have coping skills.
Without further ado: it’s the Schmuck Mountain Bird of the Week!
The North American Three-Toed Swinger
These birds mate for life… except on weekends, when they to go a party, drop their keys in a bowl, and see what happens. ;-)
If you’d like to see me do standup, you can catch me…
…Tonight, 1/17, on the Comedy Cellar’s midnight showcase at Village Underground.
…Thursday 1/23 I’m at the Comedy Cellar Lounge on the 9pm show.
…in Aruba(!) February 11th through February 13th at Aruba Ray’s Comedy Club.
I’m also headlining some shows down in Wilmington Delaware on February 28th and March 1st. More info/links TBD.
I’ll be adding more tour dates in the coming weeks. If you’d like me to come to your city, reply to this email and I’ll keep you posted!