I Bought A Bear Bell

"Animals are such agreeable friends―

they ask no questions,

they pass no criticisms.

Not even if you wear open-toed or strappy sandals without cleaning your nails.

Do not ever forget to clean your nails whenever you’re wearing these types of sandals.

Remember, your nails are in full view of everybody,

and nobody likes looking a bunch of grimey-ass toes.

Jesus, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it."

― George Eliot

Some people buy stuff online when they’re drunk. Not me. I buy stuff online when I’m afraid.

Four years ago, I was reading a harrowing article about doomsday prep for the super rich. And, because I couldn’t afford my own private compound in New Zealand, I randomly started buying contents for a “go bag”, including this little honey.

Some may look at this foldable camping spatula, which now sits in a dusty LL Bean duffle, and say “That’s a waste of money.” Not me.

To me, it’s an investment. I’m just lucky I haven’t had to make my first post-race war frittata.

So, naturally, when the previous owner of our cabin told us that he once saw a bear on the property, I pulled out my phone and bought the first bear safety product I googled. And that product was…

THE COUNTER ASSAULT BEAR BELL WITH MAGNETIC SILENCER.

No bear is gonna hang around if they hear ME jingle-jangling down the hiking trail.

I’ve had this product for a few weeks, and honestly, I’ve started to regret buying it, mainly because my wife keeps making fun of me.

“Wait so, why are you wearing a bell?” she asked.

“It’s not a ‘bell’,” I’ll say. “It’s a Counter-Assault Bear Bell With Magnetic Silencer. It scares bears away.”

“Bears are hibernating,” she will retort. “If anything, wearing a bell would wake them up.”

Okay, we get it, honey. I’M DUMB.

Since that conversation, I haven’t worn the bell. But come springtime, I’m wearing this bear bell everywhere I go, even at breakfast. That’s right, when they hear that jingle-jingle, those bears will think twice before marching into my kitchen!

Unless of course they want a mouthful of camping spatula.

COUNTER-ASSAULT!


ANTIQUE OF THE WIQUE

There’s a lot of antique stores in upstate New York. You’ll find a new discovery here every week!

This week’s antique is……..

“Bugs Bunny In Drag” Keepsake Ornament

Hubba Hubba! Is there a MR. Bugs Bunny? Oh, that’s also you? My mistake.