Hard Times On Schmuck Mountain
Folks: it’s with a heavy heart that I am indefinitely pausing my “Dedicate A Tree On Schmuck Mountain” program.
A few weeks ago, as a way to generate some income, I started offering friends the opportunity to name a tree on my land after a loved one in exchange for a small donation. I thought it would be a hit. I thought people would be lining up, BEGGING me to slap their dead Mee-Maw’s name on one of my big fat balsam firs.
I was wrong. This idea generated about as much interest as the Seitan counter at Costco.
And hey, I get it. Maybe you and your deceased Mew-mew don’t care about my stupid trees. But now I’m forced to play hardball. So, each day that I do not receive a small donation, I will dedicate a different tree on my property to a notorious anti-Semite.
I’m not kidding: Last night I named my favorite oak Joseph Goebbels. This morning I dubbed the willow tree behind the garage Henry Ford. If I don’t start seeing some Zelle notifications soon, you may as well start calling my sugar maple Whoopi Goldberg.
And if you think I’m going to stop, you’re wrong. This is anti-semitism. It’s not like I’m going to run out of names.
Anyway, follow me on Venmo.